Tiny Mouse vs. the World

A small story about the comparison game / Issue 1,364

Oh, hi friends!

Quick story.

I was pinging through my designated "inbox hour" yesterday when I saw that a theater company put out a submissions call for a playwriting fellowship.

Click.

So I read about the deadline and what's required to submit and start to think, "Oh, sure, I can apply for that." 

Simultaneously, there's a little voice, a tiny-as-a-mouse voice, that squeaks, "But what about the two projects you promised that you'd focus on right now…neither of which fall into this category…"

CLICK.

I navigate over to see who received the fellowship last year and immediately think, "Oh they all have a lot more experience (MFAs! developments! achievements!) and I shouldn't bother applying anyway…mmm, I probably shouldn't bother writing, period!"

Tiny mouse voice says, "But your two projects…you really like them…you're making progress…"

CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.

I move toward more little dark corners of the internet — artist websites, other people’s play excerpts — looking for more ways to feel bad about myself, other ammunition that I don't measure up. 

At this point, tiny mouse voice is so annoyed, it becomes a squeal. A scream?

"HEY DING-A-LING. YOU LOVE THE WORK YOU ARE DOING. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS OPPORTUNITY EXISTED THREE MINUTES AGO. WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY SELLING YOURSELF A STORY ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T DESERVE? YOU HAVE SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT STORIES TO TELL."

Oh.

Click.

I leave the page and come here to say something to you instead. I remember my own lane, my own passions, my own trajectory. I remember the temptation of validation is always more exciting than solid incremental progress. I remember comparison against highlight reels is a dangerous game. I remember we each have power over our own narratives. I remember — and I keep writing.

tiny mouse voice, I love you, and I will listen to you more often. but also this “photo” is completely unhinged.