Without a little envy, my first book, It Gets Easier and Other Lies We Tell New Mothers, would never have been published. I had been pitching to agents and publishers with the MS for months. I found out that my high school nemesis had gotten a full book deal for her organizing book. That was it. I taught myself how to self-publish, created a self-publishing company, and published my book 5 feverish months later... 3 month's after the nemesis's book published. Her publisher decided to market her book to moms, too, so we ended up joining forces to promote our books as a team. There's nothing like a little fire under the tushy to get one motivated to get 'er done!
I ADORE this story. Especially the fact that you used that observation to *get it done* and not ruminate over her success. What an activating and energizing way forward!
I'm sure I was feeling envy, but there was a piece of it that was more motivating, like, my stuff is good, too, and it deserves to be seen and I'm going to do everything in my power to get it out there. If it doesn't find flight, then at least I know I did my best to give it a shot.
An, ahem, "instructive" experience! Bravo, ma cherie, for producing another powerful and important piece of writing. Something we can all learn from. I especially love "Don't hate, emulate." (And not just because it reminds me of/rhymes with the 90210 slogan "Donna Martin Graduates!")
That's an emotionally confronting experience, but my suggestion would be (where possible) to step back and examine what it is about the object of your envy that has such a hold on you. And then explore and reflect: how can you fulfil those deeper needs in other ways? So if you're drawn to the ideal of a strong family unit, how can you be the most supportive sibling/aunt/uncle ever? If you want to help shape the next generation, where are there volunteer opportunities (e.g. a reading buddies program) that you can participate in?
Hi K H, that is an important question. It's easier to name envy around status or achievement -- and that's typically where we can lean on emulation rather than envy.
Gill has wonderful advice that I agree with here, and I also wanted to share more advice from Dr. Leahy, which might be useful. He advised that when feeling envious, rather than narrowly focusing on one aspect of our lives, to try and focus on our "life portfolio" instead. This encompasses not only career and family, but how we show up for others, our personal goals, basically our broad spectrum of experience and how we move through the world.
Another quote I found valuable was this: "You can be envious or you can be compassionate...you can't be both at the same time." That might sound too simple for this question, but directing that envious energy outside ourselves, rather than inside ourselves, is something I'm taking with me since working on this piece.
Hope this might be somewhat useful. Please email me anytime if you'd like to discuss more.
Without a little envy, my first book, It Gets Easier and Other Lies We Tell New Mothers, would never have been published. I had been pitching to agents and publishers with the MS for months. I found out that my high school nemesis had gotten a full book deal for her organizing book. That was it. I taught myself how to self-publish, created a self-publishing company, and published my book 5 feverish months later... 3 month's after the nemesis's book published. Her publisher decided to market her book to moms, too, so we ended up joining forces to promote our books as a team. There's nothing like a little fire under the tushy to get one motivated to get 'er done!
I ADORE this story. Especially the fact that you used that observation to *get it done* and not ruminate over her success. What an activating and energizing way forward!
I'm sure I was feeling envy, but there was a piece of it that was more motivating, like, my stuff is good, too, and it deserves to be seen and I'm going to do everything in my power to get it out there. If it doesn't find flight, then at least I know I did my best to give it a shot.
Yes, yes, YES! That contrast can be super energizing!
An, ahem, "instructive" experience! Bravo, ma cherie, for producing another powerful and important piece of writing. Something we can all learn from. I especially love "Don't hate, emulate." (And not just because it reminds me of/rhymes with the 90210 slogan "Donna Martin Graduates!")
Ohh I might have to put those rhymes in my upcoming musical: ENVY. Thank you so much for reading and for your support. Takes a village ;)
Tips for handling envy over something you absolutely cannot have (like a baby when you are infertile)?
That's an emotionally confronting experience, but my suggestion would be (where possible) to step back and examine what it is about the object of your envy that has such a hold on you. And then explore and reflect: how can you fulfil those deeper needs in other ways? So if you're drawn to the ideal of a strong family unit, how can you be the most supportive sibling/aunt/uncle ever? If you want to help shape the next generation, where are there volunteer opportunities (e.g. a reading buddies program) that you can participate in?
Hi K H, that is an important question. It's easier to name envy around status or achievement -- and that's typically where we can lean on emulation rather than envy.
Gill has wonderful advice that I agree with here, and I also wanted to share more advice from Dr. Leahy, which might be useful. He advised that when feeling envious, rather than narrowly focusing on one aspect of our lives, to try and focus on our "life portfolio" instead. This encompasses not only career and family, but how we show up for others, our personal goals, basically our broad spectrum of experience and how we move through the world.
Another quote I found valuable was this: "You can be envious or you can be compassionate...you can't be both at the same time." That might sound too simple for this question, but directing that envious energy outside ourselves, rather than inside ourselves, is something I'm taking with me since working on this piece.
Hope this might be somewhat useful. Please email me anytime if you'd like to discuss more.